


Turkish Delight

by roonil_wazlib_wuz_here



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Beards, Choking, Crack, Crazy Harry, Explicit Language, Fire, Food Issues, Gross, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, Minor Harry Potter/Ron Weasley, Minor Hermione Granger/Harry Potter, Rape/Non-con Elements, Read at Your Own Risk, Rough Oral Sex, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, Vomiting, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-09
Updated: 2020-04-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:20:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23567464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roonil_wazlib_wuz_here/pseuds/roonil_wazlib_wuz_here
Summary: Harry and Draco unexpectedly and deliciously discover their love for one another.Warning:  Major crackfic.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter
Comments: 10
Kudos: 21





	Turkish Delight

**Author's Note:**

> Before you start hurling things at me or... hurling your breakfast up after reading this... I would like to make this **VERY IMPORTANT STATEMENT:**
> 
> I DID NOT WRITE THIS.
> 
> Some time ago, my boyfriend - (yes, you read that correctly) - my lovely boyfriend with an insane sense of humor decided to write his own Harry/Draco fanfiction for me as a joke - not to be taken seriously in any way. I spend quite a lot of time reading and writing fanfiction and he has suffered his fair share of listening to my musings. He does not have an account here, nor does he wish to, yet he very much wanted me to post this crackfic that he gifted to me, originally entitled _"Mark's Erotica"._
> 
> So, without further ado, here is this ridiculous, somewhat disturbing and definitely hilariously disgusting crackfic.
> 
> Don't say I didn't warn you.
> 
> * * *

"Saints preserve us!" Draco screamed, becoming Irish from shock. "What is that thing, Potter?!"

"That," Harry exclaimed with a glint in his emerald eyes, "is my penis. All twelve-and three-quarter inches."

"Inches?" said Draco incredulously. "Potter, we're British."

"Fuck that metric shit!" crowed Harry. "I am a wizard; I play by my own rules. Now, open wide, my high-class blond fuck boy! Your mouth is the entrance to the Potter-Meat-Express! Woo Woo!!!" 

"Aaaghhhaghuouughhhup!" Draco exclaimed as Harry's flesh log slid straight down his esophagus. Draco was glad he had gotten over his cold as he was forced to breathe exclusively though his nose. 

"Goddamn Malfoy, this is probably the best throat fuck I've ever had! Ron is a bitch and couldn't get past the third inch and Hermione... let's just say that Madam Pomfrey has got her on a strict lozenge diet for the next few weeks." 

Draco was pleased and would have smiled but his lips were stretched to the breaking point from Potter's monstrous man-wand. 

"Now for part two!" Harry exclaimed, a wicked smile flashing across his face. Draco was about to make a sound of protest as he felt the huge invading member slowly slide out of his throat, however, all reason became lost as in the next instant, Harry's hips jutted forward, his groin smashing Draco's nose as he began a brutal rhythmic pounding.

"Okkhh! Goohhgh!" Draco protested. Through his watery eyes he noticed what could be an issue: over a dozen Chocolate Frog wrappers littered the floor. Before Potter's wild oral invasion, he had been drowning his sorrows in sweets. Draco looked down at the many portraits of famous wizards on the trading cards from the empty chocolates, looking vainly for some sort of rescue only to be crestfallen as they stared aghast at the scene before them, their right sides moving in a rapid pace. 

"Ahhhhhgh goddamn," Harry growled. "Spoiled boys like you make the best fuck toys, they let you do anything to them just to break the monotony of their 'perfect' lives." 

Suddenly, the door to the room crashed open. 

"What's all this then?!" shouted a large, gravelly voice. It was Hagrid - his clothes disheveled and his eyes bloodshot and wild. He had obviously been drinking again or maybe he had eaten the strange fungus that grew under Buckbeak's droppings.

"Goddamn, Harry!" Hagrid exclaimed. "Tha’sss quite a tool yeh got there; it must be over fifty centi-"

"Fuck your metric shit, Gamekeeper!" Harry shouted and pointed his wand, making the half-giant’s beard burst into flame. 

"Whoohoah! Hey! Wow!" Hagrid shouted, running down the hall. 

Draco was at his breaking point. The combination of Harry's massive trouser snake down his gullet, the thick mass of pubes smothering the rest of his face, and the smell of the half-giant along with his smoking facial hair was all just too much for the lad. The only clear memory was Potter's voice –

"I'm cummmmminnnngggghhhh!" Harry shouted as Draco felt Harry's cock unload jizz down his throat with the force of a muggle fire-hose. 

"Oohghterr! Ooaopp!" Draco begged, but it was too late - he was going to vomit. Bile mixed with sperm, semen clashed with chocolate as an enormous fountain of sick and sex covered both boys. They both stared wide-eyed at one another before Harry exploded in fury. 

"Jesus fucking Christ, Malfoy! You uncultured swine! You Boggart fucker! You–" 

Draco was still struggling to catch his breath and return to reality when some of the horrible mess dripped from his nostril onto his tongue.

"Potter! Wait, this - this tastes just like Turkish Delight!" 

"Turkish Delight?! Malfoy are you brainle–”

Draco jumped up, scooping a handful of mess into his palm and promptly jammed it into Harry’s mouth. 

Harry stood in shock and amazement, letting the vile concoction slither down his throat. 

“Well son of a goblin…you’re right! This is amazing, Draco! You're amazing! I'm amazing! We're amazing! I love you!"

* * *

**Epilogue**

Harry and Draco remained together for many years in happiness, taking their talents on the road and performing their show for gay bachelor parties around the globe with Draco acting as a sort of human chocolate fountain. Sadly, Draco passed away due to diabetic complications and Harry lived in peace publishing homoerotic cookbooks…

Until one day he was savagely beaten and murdered by a roving half-giant who claimed at trial it was for the tragic loss of his beard and the boy’s refusal to use the Queen’s measurements.

**THE END**

**Author's Note:**

> My boyfriend hopes that it brought a smile to your face and a tear to your eye.


End file.
